The play we didn't go to...

This may seem like a small thing, but it was one of my highlights over the weekend that Anna and I  actually did not go to a play yesterday afternoon. Let me explain... 

We had put it on the calendar to go see "A Thousand Splendid Suns" at the Seattle Rep and we were all set to go yesterday afternoon.  I called the box office to get the tickets which are ridiculously cheap with a great program called Teen Tix (where teens can go to amazing shows in the city for $5 and on Sundays, they can bring a friend with them for only $5.) 

Anyway, Anna came in while I was on the phone getting the tickets and told me that she was feeling a bit overwhelmed with school work.  I put the phone down and encouraged her to share more so that I could figure out plans with the box office.  She simply said that she was willing to go, but she thought she might get there and then feel frustrated and distracted because of her homework. She also admitted she was afraid she would fall into the trap of feeling resentful and feeling passive aggressive about the afternoon if we did choose to go and that it was just not a good idea for us to go. 

I got back on the phone and simply thanked the woman helping us with the order but asked her to scratch that as we realized the timing may not work out for us. When I hung up, I hugged Anna and told her I was so proud of her for setting a clear boundary and being so in tune with what she thought she could handle. I love that she really is so self-aware and that she was able to communicate all of this so well. 

And it turned out that we all had a great afternoon taking care of things around the house and knocking out projects for school.  It helped Anna see that she can trust her gut and that this really was the best decision. Small victories! 

Below is an article I shared with Anna as we debriefed our decision making process. Isn't it the best that when we parent that God is parenting us and teaching us the exact same things?! 

Boundaries take a lot of energy, time, focus, relationship, balance and communication. It is not easy to face conflict and uncomfortable emotions when others don’t like your boundaries or when people don’t like your “no.”

In a study from the University College London, researchers discovered that we tend to pursue the path of least resistance.....

You probably already know this, but other people’s love and approval are for them to give, when and how they want to. Yet some of us try to gain love and approval by easing up on limits and not setting proper boundaries. Likewise, other people’s happiness (including that of your kids) is up to them. It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to make our children happy by letting boundaries lapse. That is an exhausting, never ending road and a losing proposition. The truth is, we can never make someone a happy person—not our children, not spouse, not anyone.

We all desire approval and love, but it’s important that we get them in healthy ways. If we seek love and approval by setting weak (or no) boundaries, we end up hurting ourselves and others. When we set good boundaries, though, they actually provide freedom. In the Psalms, David shows his love of God’s commandments and rules. He says they keep him safe. These are good, healthy boundaries that provide the freedom to become the best he could be. Those same boundaries allow us the freedom to become our best selves.

You can work on boundaries by

• Resting enough so that you have sufficient energy to set and hold limits. One of the purposes of sleep is to prepare our brains for the next day. In addition to mental renewal there is physical repair that happens as well. Make sure you make time to stop and recharge so you will have enough energy to set boundaries on yourself and your children. Limit-setting takes a lot of mental and physical energy.
• Learning to be friendly with the word “no.” “No” can provide breathing room and respect. It is ok to say “no” to others when you need to. It doesn’t make you a bad person, friend, spouse or parent. When you say “yes” to something, you have to say “no” to something or someone else. If you say “yes” to another task at work, being out with friends, or another project around the house you are saying “no” to time with your spouse or kids, or to time you might otherwise use to recharge. It is important to keep your focus on balance as a parent, spouse, employee, friend, and servant of Christ.
• Establishing rules and consistently reinforcing them. Our homes have fences around them that show the boundaries of our land. They don’t move depending on how people feel. The boundaries are there and people learn to respect them. In the same parents need to set clear limits and enforce them consistently. In a study out of Pennsylvania State University, researchers discovered that it is important to teach children about good moral decision-making with respect to the Internet at an early age (intentionality) so that they are able to more easily understand and follow limits on technology. These children who experienced limits were also more willing and skilled at placing limits on themselves. The researchers also found that younger teens were more compliant.
• Learning from other people you respect who are able to provide boundaries with love and respect. Watch what people with good boundaries tend to do. They fill their emotional tank in order to most effectively and genuinely engage with others. Learn from these people and don’t be afraid to take notes. Pay attention to what disciplines and/or skills you are missing that can make it difficult to follow through on setting and enforcing boundaries.
• Establishing what is most valuable to you. What is it that you make time for? What do you spend your money on? Where do you give most of your energy? Rearrange your priorities so that what is truly valuable in your life is treated that way.