Becoming

Anna and I have both been listening to the book Becoming by Michelle Obama, and we both finished it today. We both talked about how bittersweet it was for the book to end because she spoke with so much grace, poise and truth. What an authentic and rich memoir! 

Some favorite quotes: 

“Now I think it’s one of the most useless questions an adult can ask a child—What do you want to be when you grow up? As if growing up is finite. As if at some point you become something and that’s the end.” 

“For me, becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self. The journey doesn’t end.” 

"...I said goodbye to my parents unclear on whether I'd even still be myself at the end of the day." 

(in talking about going off to high school and being unsure about identity and belonging) 

"I became a mother. But I still have a lot to learn from and give to my children. I became a wife. But I continue to adapt to and be humbled by what it means to truly love and make a life with another person. I have become by certain measures a person of power and yet there are moments still when I feel insecure and unheard."  

“For every door that’s been opened to me, I’ve tried to open my door to others. And here is what I have to say, finally: Let’s invite one another in. Maybe then we can begin to fear less, to make fewer wrong assumptions, to let go of the biases and stereotypes that unnecessarily divide us. Maybe we can better embrace the ways we are the same. It’s not about being perfect. It’s not about where you get yourself in the end. There’s power in allowing yourself to be known and heard, in owning your unique story, in using your authentic voice. And there’s grace in being willing to know and hear others. This, for me, is how we become.”

Here are several pieces of wisdom Obama imparts to young people in, Becoming from a Forbes magazine write up.

Failure Is Temporary

After grinding through Princeton then Harvard Law School, Obama prepared to take the bar, and the results were not what she expected. "I had never failed a test in my entire life... But I'd blown it with the bar. I was ashamed, sure I'd let down every person who'd ever taught, encouraged, or employed me. I wasn't used to blundering." Obama was embarrassed, but didn't let her shame or her pride prevent her from dusting herself off and getting back to work. "Later that fall, I buckled down and studied for a do-over test, going on to pass it handily. In the end, aside from issues of pride, my screw up would make no difference at all." Everyone fails. It's how you address failure that determines the accomplishments and successes in your life.

You Are Not Someone Else's Opinion Of You  

Obama admitted that when she was younger she was a people pleaser, and she cared what other people thought. Over time she began to measure her self-worth in terms of standard and achievement, but still believed if she "worked diligently and honestly" she would be recognized for who she is and avoided by bullies. She was very wrong. During the 2008 campaign, republicans edited one of her campaign speeches and took a remark out of context, labeling her as "angry" and "other." They also twisted and contorted the meaning of her Princeton senior thesis as racist against white people. "I was exhausted by the meanness, thrown by how personal it had become, and feeling, too, as if there were no way I could quit...I'm telling you, this stuff hurt." Obama realized whether she said something perfectly, or was open and honest with her intentions, people were going to find ways to disapprove of her. So focus on doing good work and liking who you are, because people will dislike you regardless.

Seek Formal Mentoring/Formal Mentoring Needs To Diversify  

Obama started a program at the White House that mentored young high school girls in the area, in large part because of impact her mentors made in her life and career. "I knew from my own life experience that when someone shows genuine interest in your learning and development, even if only for ten minutes in a busy day, it matters. It matters especially for women, for minorities, for anyone society is quick to overlook."

A Better World Begins In Your Mind 

During the last year of her husband's presidency, the former first lady began to take stock of their time in the White House, "tallying the gains and losses" she writes, and the sacrifices for the progress made- for the country and her family. She found herself so far away from the future she envisioned for herself when she was younger, and wondered when her life pivoted. She then remembered sitting in a church basement on the Far South Side of Chicago with her future husband, who she had only been dating for a couple of months, while he was talking to a neighborhood group that was grappling with hopelessness and indifference. Obama writes that her family struggled with those feelings, as did her whole neighborhood, and that this is a mindset many marginalized people identify with. "You got somewhere by building that better reality, if at first only in your own mind. Or as Barack had put it that night, you may live in the world as it is, but you can still work to create the world as it should be." The Obamas wanted to play a role in helping build a better, more inclusive country, and it all started with ideas and conversations.

Growth Is Not A Destination  

Obama concludes her book by writing that "becoming" your best self never ends, you just take it one step at a time. "For me, becoming isn't about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self . . . It's all a process, steps along a path. Becoming requires equal parts patience and rigor. Becoming is never giving up on the idea that there's more growing to be done."