for this garbage day

This fit so much yesterday as Taylor had to go to the ER (strep and mono are taking its toll!) and it was a rainy day here in Seattle (we call this "Junuary" on days like that) and it just felt like the sky was falling.... But this reminder is so so good to look for those crumbs of joy as they are all around even on garbage days.... 

for this garbage day 

I can find no good in today, 

and I don't want to try. 

It feels like a lie to sugarcoat reality, 

instead of naming what is. 

When there is much to grieve, 

too many losses and disappointments to name, 

too many things going wrong, 

when I'm better off

climbing back under the covers 

and trying again tomorrow. 

Blessed are we, the Debbie Downers

and Negative Neds, 

who come to you just as we are, 

with our loneliness and loss, 

our scarcity and sorrow, 

and say, God, there is just not enough, 

Not enough money to pay bills. 

Not enough jobs or safety

for those who have them. 

Not enough wisdom to find solutions. 

Not enough strength or comfort or connection. 

Not enough patience to deal with these people. 

Things are hard today. 

Perhaps it is too much to say, 

"God, thank you for today," 

because today is already topped up with 

frustrations and bad attitudes 

and unhope. 

So instead, may there also 

be a blessing for those of us who say, 

"God could you come meet us here on this garbage day?" 

Give me a microscope to notice 

the tiny, tiny graces. 

The smell before the rain. 
The softness of my pet's fur. 

The way my friend 

gives the best hugs. 

Or that my favorite show 

always cheers me up. 

So when gratitude feels impossible, 

may I learn to compress my attention 

so narrow as to find the smallest

hopes. 

Not as a formula or to quiet the wrongs, 

but as a practice of finding 

any crumbs of joy

now visible on the kitchen floor. 

-Kate Bowler 

three cheers for Taylor's friend Erik who took Taylor to the ER in Santa Cruz yesterday 

(and Taylor knows me so well that he knew I'd so appreciate this) 

(update: he got released from the hospital late last night and we are working on details to get him home this week early from school so he can heal up and take exams from here with a bit more TLC.)