mother's day 2014

“If I knew then what I know now, would I have had children?

It’s taken years for me to gather the courage to ask this question.

It seems such a barbaric betrayal for a mother’s mind.

On the one hand I answer Of course!

My children – and their children – have defined my days with joy and depth. They are the center of holiday celebrations, the motivation of my everyday efforts, the legacy of my life.

They have been my world.

Even with unexpected turns resulting in today’s realities, I still answer of course!

In the “then” of my twenties I was idealistic enough to believe that I could love any child through whatever they were facing in such a way that they would never have to face it again. I saw myself as healer and wound-mender and launcher-beyond-all-struggle. 

On the other hand…I wonder.

I never expected the potholes lining my motherhood path.

The heart-stretching, gut-wrenching, shoulder-drooping pain.

The stunning surprises, one devastation after another.

The disappointments – are we allowed to be disappointed with our children?

The money sunk into fixing the messes.

The energy invested. The sleepless nights. The weightiness of it all.

I didn’t know that then.

My dear friend Philip wrote to Evan and me, “Your hearts sound so heavy, so wounded. I read the Psalms and think of you.

So many parents ask, ‘Is it worth it? Would I do it again?’

God, with a heart wounded six billion times, always answers, ‘Yes.’”

I didn’t know then what I do know now: that every child’s journey is his or her own.

God is guiding and shaping their individual lives and the lives they individually influence.

No parent, no matter how dedicated, expert, present and loving can produce a perfectly healthy and happy adult. Such a feat is simply not within our power.

At the same time, every parent is divinely used to affect the journey of every child – toward this and away from that, even if with opposite from intended results. (“If you say don’t go there, there I will tread!”  “If you say head over here, I will head over there!”)

And I didn’t know then what I do know now: that every child of every parent is God’s instrument in the life of his or her parent.

My children have been His chief tool for the shaping of me, shaving off the certainty, molding a softer version, raising up a gumption necessary to face another day.

Evidently, they needed me – who I thought I was and who I’ve become – to mold their beings.

And certainly, I needed them – who they were and weren’t, who they are and aren’t, who they will be and won’t be – to become who I was, am —

and who I will be." 

-Elisa Morgan