when Jesus met us at Green Lake...

This summer has been a little rough for Taylor in the swimming department. 

The first incident was when we went to Green Lake back in early July and Taylor took the swimming test.  He thought he heard someone call his name in the middle of the test so he popped his head up and stood up.  The lifeguard told him he had to swim the whole distance without stopping and that he did not pass. He said he could try again, but by that point, Taylor was already tired and bummed out since Anna and Kate had already passed and were jumping off the dock.  

The second incident was at Seward Park a week later when he took the swimming test there. The thing about that was that he made it the whole distance but the lifeguard told him he did not pass because she wanted to see his arms out of the water more.  I was pretty frustrated as she did not realize that she had just crushed his spirit.  I understood that she was just doing her job to make sure everyone is safe in the water, but I also knew that it could have been handled differently with a bit more sensitivity and a better tone in her delivery of her verdict.   

Since these two times, Taylor has been very tentative about swim tests. At a friend's birthday party down on Lake WA, he had to take a test there to be able to swim and he was nervous as kids get a bracelet based on the level of their swimming.  He passed level one which was just fine (but I am sure he was comparing to other kids too who had made it into higher levels.) 

I called about swim lessons at a local pool this week, but they were all full so Taylor and I agreed that he and I practice his swimming together at Green Lake each day this week.  We found a little spot around the lake that we had to ourselves (very unlike the popular swimming areas that are manned by lifeguards).   Monday, we just went for a short time as our schedule was tight that afternoon, but it turned out that 15 minutes was all we needed to jump in, practice some strokes together and begin to develop some confidence again.  Tuesday, we went with his friend Gabe to the same spot, and Wednesday we went with Liam.  It just so happened that Liam went to Windermere beach club with his grandmother on Monday and he too did not pass his swim test. He was equally as discouraged as Taylor so I gave them some encouragement on their strokes (but mostly just let them play and have fun swimming as that was the entire point of all of this.) 

On Thursday, I took Liam and Taylor back to Green Lake, but we did not go to the more secluded spot. We went to the swim area as I really wanted to give them the chance to try the swim test again since I knew that they would be able to do it.  I had told them about this idea the day before and talked about it that morning as well so as not to catch them off guard. 

Liam jumped right in and swam the distance for the test with no problems. The lifeguard gave him the thumbs up and he was good to go beyond the ropes and swim to the dock that had two diving boards on it. 

Meanwhile, Taylor told that he really really really really really really really really really really really did not want to take the swim test.  I told him that I was asking him to do it because I had seen such improvement in this week and I knew he could do it. 

And then came the moment in parenting when I knew I was walking a fine line. 

Do I push him to do this as I know it's within his reach? Or do I start putting money aside for therapy because I am traumatizing him through this experience by putting too much pressure on him?  

I decided to try to hold my ground and to continue to try to cajole him to get out there and try.  

First, it was all I could do to get him to take his shoes and shirt off.  I got my fair share of "Mommy, you are so mean! You can't make me do this! I don't want to!" 

As we sat there, I once again tried to explain to him that I knew he could do it. (I might as well have had pom poms here with my cheerleader strategy.) I told him that sometimes parents ask their kids to do certain things because they know it is for their own good (like eating vegetables) even if it's not what they want to do at first.  

But, he just got frustrated and began to cry.  When he said, "you can't make me!", I knew he was right because I really did not have much leverage here. It's not like I could just say, "You don't get to have your iPad time today or tomorrow" (a typical consequence for him) because I knew that this was more about his fear than disobedience.  As much as I wanted to use threats (if you don't go, then I'll throw you in the lake myself), I knew this would just feed the fire. 

Taylor can certainly be passionate when he is upset, but I must give him credit that he can be pretty articulate in these times.  He admitted to me that he was scared. When I tried to talk him through it and asked him what he was scared of specifically, he just seemed to psyche himself out even more.  I tried to explain that not trying was the worst thing as then he would never know if he could do it.  

I tried hugs and sitting by him and rubbing his back and praying with him.  I tried reasoning (explaining that he was being stubborn and that he just needed to channel his frustration into his swimming) and I tried giving choices, but to no avail. 

I told him I wanted him to do this for himself, for his own confidence... That did not seem to go anywhere so I even said, "Okay- will you then just get out there and try it for me?" To this, he pleaded, "Mommy, please please don't make me take the swim test. I'll do anything for you. I'll be your best friend. I'll cook dinners for a month...."  (no joke- he really did say this.) 

At one point, I said to Taylor that I needed a break and I walked into the lake just to get some space. In my heart, I was crying out to God pleading and crying out myself for help and mercy.  I was not feeling all warm and fuzzy inside about being a parent in this moment but raw and inadequate and spent. 

It's times like these that remind me of my friend Jennifer's wise words to me in an email 8 years ago about her daughter: 

"She can be so volatile, so moody and prone to great fits of frustration and anger. While this often frustrates (and often angers) me, it is also in those moments when she is most unable to help herself, or control herself, or find her center, that I feel most the blessing of parenthood. For I get to hold her, discipline her, love on her in the midst of her worst moments. Most people (adult to adult) don't put up with that kind of behavior. But I have the privilege of holding her and saying that I love her even in the midst of all these times and God has entrusted me to help shape who she is. Those are the moments when I feel like my love for her (marked often with some discipline or firmness) has the greatest ability to help her be herself, to find what is truly herself, to hold her through the whirling of emotions. It is fun to be a mom when the kids are happy and Siena is full of hugs and love and we play, but I most cherish those moments when I am her rock, and I hold her from flying off into the cosmos, unfettered and unhappy. And that is how I see God - holding me when I feel like I might come apart, stroking my hair and saying, "shh, it will be okay, just rest and let the moment pass." 

Like in the game of mercy, I was ready to cry "uncle" feeling like I was at the end of my rope. I had tried everyone I knew to do and I was so frustrated since nothing was working.  I was racking my brain for any way to get him in the water.  

I talked to one of the lifeguards and asked if we could possibly try to do the swim test in a slightly different area. He was a great high school guy who totally got it and offered to watch Taylor when he was ready.  He even told him that if he got tired that he just needed to float on his back for a minute and then keep going. He was really trying to set Taylor at ease and take the pressure off. 

Finally, the lifeguard walked over to the area and invited Taylor to come.  I offered another verbal push to him: "Do you want me to carry you on a piggy back ride or carry you on my shoulders over there." But miraculously, he finally decided that he would just walk over himself. 

As Taylor was finally walking out to the spot to start, I pulled Liam aside and asks him to pray with me with a quick arrow prayer: "Dear God, please help Taylor swim and give him the confidence he needs to go the distance." And then Liam and I stood together with the lifeguard and watched Taylor swim the length that was required.  And not only did he do it, but he passed WITH FLYING COLORS. The lifeguard said to me and to Liam that Taylor was more than good to go... 

And then, Taylor went out with Liam for the next 30 minutes and jumped off the diving board about umpteen times.  I had such sweet relief and deep gratitude bubbling up in my soul.  And if anyone looked over and wondered why a middle-aged mom had tears streaming down her face on this bright sunshiny day, I would have told them that I was crying because my son had just summited Mt. Everest.  As he had built this into such a giant mountain, he conquered those fears and knocked them out of the park.  

It was so clear to me that Jesus met us at Green Lake today. 

Jesus was there when I was desperately trying to parent well and feeling like I was beating my head against a wall. 

Jesus was there when Taylor was scared out of his mind to swim a short distance that he had done twice that distance the day before when he was playing. 

Jesus was there when the boys were delighting in summer and having such fun on the diving boards after having passed their swim tests. 

When I related this story to Elizabeth that afternoon telling her how proud I was of Liam for trying and for being so encouraging to Taylor through the whole ordeal, she told me that it sounded like I had just run 22 miles with the push it had been for me too. 

And to top it all off, Taylor came up to me after he got out and said, "Mommy, thank you SO much for making me do that."  Then he added "And I'm sorry..." with a big hug.  

Elizabeth noted that THAT comment like running 22 miles and then having a crystal blue lake to jump into after... Ahhhhh.... 

so thankful that Jesus indeed met us at Green Lake yesterday afternoon

and that our hearts grew a few sizes bigger too...