Peace on Earth and Nerf Guns

It seems that Taylor has been fascinated with weapons since he was quite small- whether it was the stage he went through loving knights when he carried a wooden or plastic sword with him (and even slept with one at times) or when he loved Star Wars and was often asking anyone who was willing to participate to have a light saber battle. As he is playing, it seems that he always has been able to mimic a gun sound, and he laughs when I try to do so as my attempts always sound like a sputtering engine.  

He now loves his Legos and spends lots of time setting up battle scenes with the tiny guns that fit into the Lego minifigures. 

(picture above from a website called BrickArms) 

So, this fall, when we moved to 16^th, our neighbors had nerf guns and he loved having fun playing chase and tag with these.  He had fun making a few videos this fall enacting a few scenes with them as well.  We had a few water guns in our possession before and a couple other play items, but the nerf toys were new to our house.  Josiah, his best friend on our street, had received two very large nerf guns and he really wanted to give one of them to Taylor for Christmas. He wrapped the box all by himself and was so exited to give it to Taylor.

The incident in Newtown, CT happened the day before he gave him the giant nerf gun, and of course the situation has all of our senses heightened to this issue in our country. With the incident in Connecticut, I understand that it is so very complicated- it is an issue about gun control, about the absurdity of allowing people to own a semi- automatic assault rifle in the first place, about mental illness, about violence in media... 

Even so, in light of all of this, I did let him play with this new toy and let him bring it back to Nashville for Christmas as he was excited about it. My brother and his girlfriend took me aside at one point and challenged me about my choice in letting him have this. They were very kind about it and I appreciated it so much as I know it took some courage to bring it up.  They said that they felt that we were some of the most intentional parents they knew, but they just wondered what kind of message this was sending.  

We read the book and watched the movie of War Horse with the kids over Christmas break and talked a lot with them after the movie about the horrors of war and that it is not a game.  Jason and I saw Les Mis over the break as well and once again, I was struck with such senseless killing in war. 

When my friend Joshua was visiting from Kenya about 4 years ago, Taylor showed him one of his toy swords. I asked Joshua if his boys played with swords (and if they seemed to turn anything into a weapon when they were playing) and he said they did not. The only thing to which I can attribute this is that they don’t have the media surrounding them like we do with violence all around.  Whatever it is, I admire a culture in which kids don’t grow up with these influences everywhere.

I have been praying for wisdom with this as I have wanted to figure out the best way to handle it. I admit that it was careless for me to let him bring that big nerf gun home on our trip especially in light of the fact that it was so close to such a tragic event in our nation.  I admit that Jason and I both have been too lax in coming up rules about all of this with what is acceptable in our home. 

My sister-in-law got some rubber band pop guns for her boys for Christmas, but they have the rule that they can never be aimed at people. They can be used only for targets (like when they set up some tin cans in the back yard.) Our very close friend here in Seattle and her husband have set a rule that no toy guns are allowed in their house. She is very frank about it and says that guns are very serious and that they kill people. When the person is gone, they are gone forever. In real life, it is not a game. However, she is first to admit that her boys make guns out of their own fingers and still enact battles frequently even without the toys in play. The classic story about Jason is that when Gene and Bette had this same rule for him for a while when he was little that he cut his sandwich into the shape of a gun and used that. 

Though experts say that playing with toy guns does not mean that a child will necessary become violent, I wonder how we should be guiding our kids.  It seems overly simplistic to just throw the guns away or to impose (toy) gun control in our house without a conversation about it.  This might be part of a solution, but I did feel strongly that the first thing was for us to have a bigger discussion with Taylor and Anna and ask them help us come up with a way to move forward.  I really did not want them to feel like we were punishing them and imposing a new system on them without their input. 

I wrote my masters thesis on peace literacy and worked on implementing a conflict resolution program at an elementary school and I really to believe strongly in teaching peace.  The program that I used had a very basic protocol for solving problems.

            This first way that I used the most was called “Talk it Out”:

1)            Stop and cool off

2)            Talk and listen to each other

3)            Find out what you both need

4)            Brainstorm solutions

5)            Find a solution that you both like

6)            Make a plan. Go for it!

Another way to put it was the ABCD problem solving method:

A: Ask what the problem is

B: Brainstorm solutions

C: Choose the Idea you like best

D: Do it.

When we talked about this issue of the nerf guns last week, we used the Talk It Out format for our little family meeting because Anna and Taylor are most familiar with that as I have used this on many occasions over the years with them.

As we talked, Taylor mentioned that he had heard something at school about the incident in Connecticut. As he shared, he got a little choked up. Anna had not heard about it so I told them what had happened in the most basic way that I could with as few details as possible. As I shared, I got teary because it is so very terrible to consider what happened and to imagine the families in the wake of it all. We tried to emphasize that the teachers and the principal at their school are taking this very seriously and are doing everything they can to make school a safe place.

We each talked about our thoughts about the nerf guns in our house and brainstormed ideas together ranging from throwing them all away (Taylor was not okay with getting rid of all of them) to having guidelines on how they could be played with.  After going around and around about it, we decided together that these were not allowed to be pointed at people anymore. We could set up cool targets and a kind of obstacle course with them, but they cannot be aimed at others.  We also talked about that if friends came over that their parents needed to give permission for their kids to play with them within the bounds that we had set up. Taylor was sad in thinking that he could not do videos with them acting out battle scenes so I told him that if we were to take something away that we could put something in that place. Our neighbor behind us is a middle school student who loves stop motion videos and animation, and he is quite good at it. I asked him earlier if he would be willing to show Anna and Taylor some of the things he has learned and he was happy to do it. I also know that he loves chocolate so we talked about me baking for him anytime he gives the kids a tutorial. :) 

Overall, I think that it was a very important conversation and one that we will continue to revisit many times, I am sure.  I have so much to learn and so far to go to be consistent as a parent in issues like these.  Better late than never as we try to navigate these kind of things. 

Peace on earth and goodwill to men… Praying that we can start to understand what this means – starting small and catching a vision for beyond. 

Light of the world, shine in our darkness: illuminate the way of peace. (Common Prayer)

Lord God,

in the deepest night

there rises the star of morning,

of birth,

the herald of a new day you are making,

a day of great joy dawning

in yet faint shafts

of light and love.

I hear whispers of peace in the stillness,

fresh breezes of promise

stirring,

winter sparrows

chirping of life,

a baby’s cry

of need

and hope –

Christmas!

In the darkness I see the light

and find in it comfort,

confidence,

cause for celebration,

for the darkness cannot overcome it;

and I rejoice to nourish it

in myself,

in other people,

in the world

for the sake of him

in whom it was born

and shines forever,

even Jesus the Christ

-Ted Loder in “Guerrillas of Grace”

1-2 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:1-2 The Message

http://www.today.com/moms/after-newtown-some-parents-impose-toy-gun-control-1C7657757


comment from my friend Nicola:

I have just read your piece on Nerf guns, and sympathize. I thought that I would 
have a no gun policy with children, but have realized that it's not so simple. 
We have a policy that if the other person is uncomfortable, it is not a good 
game. I've never had much luck with the  'no aiming at people' policy as that, 
after all, is the point.
I believe violence comes from unbalanced violent experience, ie home violence, 
video games, not cute little boys running about, playing, resolving, cooperating 
and all those things that happen in play.
All being said, the thought of T strutting through the airport with his bazooka 
is quite funny.
N x

comment from my friend Angie: 

Having these same thoughts/feelings at our house. Thank you for writing about them--helps me to keep processing what to do in our family. Owen and Taylor sound very similar in their Lego/Ninja/Light Saber ("Saver")/Nerf Gun interests!  We used to have a "no shooting at people / targets only" policy and it held for a long time till one day Arthur happened to initiate a fun hide-and-seek battle with Owen. He LOVED it. Probably more so for the hide-and-seek adrenaline rush and the quality time with his dad than the "I am shooting at someone" feeling. He asked Arthur to play again and again and it became their "thing." Owen had a friend over and they waged an "epic" battle against Arthur, and the friend pronounced it the "best playdate ever." Owen was so proud, Daddy too I think.  Before Newton, Arthur had purchased two big Nerf guns (the same one Taylor has) to give Owen for Christmas. I'm usually the present chooser/buyer, but Arthur was delighted to give Owen a gift that represented the fun they were having together. After Newton, we questioned whether it was still an appropriate gift--it just seemed "wrong." But Owen knew and knows nothing of that massacre, so we decided to go ahead and give them. Eleanor knew what had happened, and she was noticeably non-supportive of the post-Christmas dart battles in the house, whereas previously she had joined in every now and then and had a lot of fun. "Owen, you know that real guns kill people, right? Mom, this just seems wrong after what happened! You need to make sure Owen understands. I'm going to tell him what happened." She and I had a good conversation about her feelings and mine and why I was still allowing this activity in the house and that I hoped that she would not tell Owen about Newton. She chose not to. I feel like this Nerf gun phase will pass. We'll support his interest in this type of play for now, but Arthur's going to initiate it less and see if Owen picks up the slack or his interests turn elsewhere. We've moved the dart depot and gun pile out of the living room to a bin in the bonus room and out of sight is proving to be out of mind. Animal Jam and Club Penguin on the computer seem to be filling the void--not sure if that's an improvement.  Keep me posted on how things evolve at your house. Really liked the obstacle course idea and I would love to hear other moms suggestions for active/imaginative play for boys.